Hope in faith

On how Compulsive Planning = Fear and how Hope = Faith.

“Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him ‘So shall your offspring be.’” Romans 4:18

Abraham actually had no logical reason to hope. He was old. His wife was old and already proven barren. And how does any one person father nations, anyway? Abraham had every right to be making contingency plans.

But (at least, at first) he chose to believe in hope. He chose the uncertain hopefulness of faith – to stand on what God promised him – rather than planning for “just in case” God didn't come through. What a slap in the face it is to God when we read his promises and instead of standing in faith and hope, we prepare for just in case he was lying.

“Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him…” Abraham believed in hope. He stood on the promise and the promise was proved.

If there is one thing that has never wavered in my life, it is the desire to be a mother. Over and over, throughout my life, this desire – this calling – has been affirmed in me. It is such a deep desire with such a long and unvarying life that I can only believe it is of God. I myself have never come up with an idea that’s stuck for so long.

So why then, now that fulfillment is coming closer to within reach, why do I doubt? Why do I read of and try to prepare myself for miscarriages, and infertility, and adoption as a last resort? Why now, when I stand so close to the promise – when I am as mature as I have ever been; when I am married and have built a strong relationship with my husband; when we are both stably employed; when we are currently living within reach of familial help – why now, when all these things are pushing me toward the great promise of my life do I choose to wonder if it is really for me? Why am I planning for the worst, with contingency after contingency, when I should be preparing to dance in the glory of a promise fulfilled?

It is because I am like Abraham.

As the time of his promise neared (though he didn't know it) Abraham began to let logic and “proof” take over his belief. He allowed the world to intrude on his heavenly privilege and took matters into his own hands. He chose his contingency plan over God’s plan; and we have an endless war to show for it. By all the saints in heaven and the love of God of earth, I do not want to make that mistake. I don’t want to be like Abraham – at least not the doubting, disobedient, unintentional perpetual-conflict-starting one. I want to be the hope-filled Abraham. I want to be the Abraham who hoped in belief and whose promise was proved true for his faith!

When I was younger, nearly of all of my female friends lamented the scattered and unpredictable nature of their monthlies. Meanwhile, you could set a calendar by me. In those young years, I always assumed I was so incredibly punctual for a reason. Surely it would make it easier to become pregnant when the time came. Surely it would mean I would know sooner than one might expect, and would therefore be better able to take care of myself properly, sooner. Back then I just knew that my (apparently shocking) regularity was a mode by which God was preparing me for this promise. Now… now I wish for that unpredictability my friends hated. I wish I could just find myself pregnant, because then it wouldn't have been my decision – and if it’s not my decision then it’s not my fault if it’s not the right time.

I ask you:
What kind of bullshit is that?

When I was younger I stood on hope; I lived in belief that God was preparing me for this promise of motherhood. Now that I've gotten older, (notice I leave out wiser) I suddenly think that the when/where/how of the promise is up to me?

The truth of the matter is that this is God’s promise. Is it a promise for me? Yes. I stand firmly on that belief in hope. But God is the arbiter. He decides the when/where/how of the fulfillment of his promise. If I were to stop my birth control and not get pregnant immediately when I expect to, all it means is that it’s not time for the promise. If I were to stay on my birth control and get pregnant anyway – well, shoot, God, if it’s time, it’s time! And if I step away from birth control and get pregnant right when I expect and hope to, then it will be a lucky thing that my timing and God’s timing just happened to line up. But it will not have had to do with me. I don’t get to choose when God fulfills his promises. He takes into account all the factors I can’t see – my readiness, my husband’s readiness, the state of the world, where he is leading us, and most importantly, when these young ones need to enter the world to be most productive to his will.

I don’t get to choose when God fulfills his promises. It is my job to stand on them, in hope and in faith.