Revelations

I had a long conversation the other day with a very good friend of mine. We were sitting outside my apartment, illuminated only by the soft glow of a florescent light flickering outside a building across the way, discussing the nature of people - the things we feel we need to do, and why we feel obligated to do them. This talk of ours got me thinking. I thought to myself "Goodness, it's cold out here! Why didn't I bring a jacket down with me?" And after I thought that, I actually started paying attention to the conversation.

Why do we do the things we do? I asked that question in relation to myself that chilly evening, and found, in the swirling wind that surrounded my friend and me, that I did not entirely like the answer.

In making myself a model by which to answer this question, I had to evaluate...well...myself - and the things that I do. It was a riveting process. (Please note, sarcasm)

I thought of the many things I do out of simple obligation. I thought of the obligation to my parents - they raised and support me - I thought of the obligation to my friends - they love me when they don't necessarily have to - I thought of the obligation to my professors - they provide me with knowledge I will (in some cases) use later in life - I thought of the obligation to my bosses - they offer experience (and pay me) - I thought of the obligation to the nameless "they" who tell me I need all these things to be happy - and then I thought to myself, "If that light over there doesn't stop blinking I am going to have a seizure!" Then I thought (I think an awful lot, don't I?) that if all these obligations are to make me happy, why is it that I am anything but?

Granted, most people don't expect to enjoy this point in life. The climb can't always be as gratifying as the view from the top. But it's not just that I don't enjoy what I'm doing anymore; I don't particularly like who I'm becoming. Short-tempered, angry, and annoyed by the slightest thing, I am sleep-deprived, I am hungry, and I am weary of this life.

All of this has made me wonder (ha ha! not think, but wonder!) if fulfilling all these obligations is really worth losing myself.